Mayhem in Bath Read online

  MAYHEM IN BATH

  Sandra Heath

  Tradition has it that in nearly every home in England there is an invisible brownie who attends to all the small, overlooked tasks, and—in the countryside at least—to look after the bees. But an angry brownie becomes a boggart, and then there’s absolute mayhem, even in genteel Bath…

  Chapter 1

  It was only a few days before Halloween in the year 1800, and the October weather was warm and balmy as Polly Peach tended the garden of Horditall House, on the heights above the famous Cheddar Gorge in the county of Somerset. Trowel in hand, a basket beside her on the grass, she knelt in the morning sunshine, planting carnation and sweet william slips for next year. She was twenty years old, the orphaned heiress to the Peach’s Bank fortune, which she would inherit in three years’ time, and she lived with her miserly uncle, Hordwell Horditall. The garden was her pride and joy, because since her arrival she had single-handedly rescued it from a monstrous tangle of thorns and weeds. The reason for its sad state was Hordwell’s summary dismissal of the two gardeners, whom he had then declined to replace. Now, thanks to her endeavors, everything was a carefully nurtured blaze of autumn flowers—Michaelmas daisies, chrysanthemums, asters, goldenrod, and nasturtiums, to say nothing of a commendable display of late roses that had escaped the summer rampage of the dreaded greenfly.

  There was one unusual thing growing in the garden, an American pumpkin plant. Such things were very rare indeed in England, and Horditall House only possessed one because Bodkin, the house’s resident brownie, knew a brownie, who knew another brownie, who looked after a very grand country house owned by a renowned horticulturalist lord. This lord had recently returned from the New World with all kinds of wonderful new plants and seeds, but had somehow neglected to plant the pumpkins. His brownie, never one to tolerate waste, had prudently shared the seeds among his friends, and thus one had fallen into Bodkin’s hands. Now the fruit of this protracted tale was flourishing close to the Horditall House beehives.

  Polly knew that pumpkins were supposed to be eaten, but Bodkin informed her they weren’t being grown for their culinary qualities. He declared, rather mysteriously, that his pumpkins were going to be renowned throughout the brownie world, but more than that he wouldn’t say. Unknown to Polly, he had marvelous plans for Halloween, a very important festival for brownies, by whom it was also called Mischief Night. There would be all sorts of high jinks, and jack-o’-lanterns made from the traditional, rather puny turnips, but Bodkin perceived that the American pumpkin would make a much more impressive jack-o’-lantern, indeed it would make a jack-o’-lantern so wonderful it would be talked of ever after. So he tended his precious plant with infinite care, and the pumpkins had grown to a prodigious size.

  Bodkin’s bees droned contentedly in the hives, and doves cooed in the cote as Polly’s trowel dug satisfyingly into soil that had benefited from all the recent rain, but then the peace was disturbed by the sound of an approaching carriage. She sat back on her heels in alarm, fearing her uncle had returned early from Bath. She felt disloyal for enjoying his absence, but he could be so disagreeable that his temporary absence had proved an immense relief. As for debt-ridden Lord Benjamin Beddem, the gentleman with whom he had been staying at Bath’s renowned Royal Crescent, well, the least said the better.

  Polly regarded the dissolute, overweight second son of the Duke of Lawless as one of the most odious persons in creation, and it was her misfortune that not only had he attached himself to her uncle, but also that he had asked for her hand in marriage. Lord Benjamin was a man in dire need of a fortune to stave off the duns, and it was with money in mind that he bestowed such marked favor upon Hordwell, even to the extent of several times deigning to stay here in Horditall, which he clearly regarded as the back of beyond. Polly wasn’t deceived by him at all, and rightly guessed that he had only leased the house in Royal Crescent, which it seemed impossible he could really afford, in order to impress her uncle, who was extraordinarily gullible when it came to the aristocracy. Hordwell so longed for a family alliance with the duke, that he blithely overlooked the fact that every Beddem since the time of wicked King John had been a villain and philanderer. Sly Lord Benjamin had led Hordwell to believe that his elder brother was about to be excluded from the family fortune, if not from the title itself, from which he could not be separated. This Beddem cataclysm would make Benjamin heir to the entire family fortune.

  Needless to say, Polly wasn’t taken in by Lord Benjamin or his tales of family upheaval, and she said so in no uncertain manner whenever the opportunity arose, but Hordwell brushed her protests aside as he endeavored to secure the match of his dreams. She would as soon fling herself over Cheddar Gorge as become part of such a family of aristocratic scoundrels and seducers! All this ran through her mind as she gazed anxiously along the road. If it was her uncle’s carriage returning, please let him be alone!

  Adjusting the cream woolen shawl around her shoulders, she waited apprehensively for the vehicle to come into view beyond the stone wall and sentinel beeches. The sun dappled her face through the wide brim of her straw hat, and the gentle breeze lifted the wide white ribbons beneath her chin. She had lavender eyes and a heart-shaped face, and a thick ash blonde ringlet fell over her left shoulder. Her slender figure was gently outlined by the soft folds of her blue muslin chemise gown, and she possessed the sort of pale, clear complexion that many a London belle would have died for. It might be thought she was little more than a defenseless porcelain doll, and indeed her uncle had made that very mistake, but such was not the case, for Polly Peach was not only spirited, but also accomplished, well read, intelligent, sympathetic, and thoughtful. She also had a deliciously impish sense of humor, which she often turned to great effect upon her uncle, although he rarely realized it.

  At last the approaching vehicle drove into sight, and she was comforted to see it wasn’t Hordwell’s, but an expensive traveling carriage with a coat of arms on the door. Drawn by four excellent high-stepping grays, it was a gleaming equipage, green, with bright yellow wheels and polished brass, and for a split second Polly feared it might belong to Lord Benjamin, but then she remembered that her unloved suitor’s colors were crimson and silver, whereas this liveried coachman wore green and gold. She breathed out with relief as the carriage drove past.

  Because the window glass was lowered, she could see the solitary occupant, an exceedingly handsome gentleman with tousled dark hair and fine taste in clothes. A tall fawn beaver hat was tipped back on his head in a rather world-weary way, and a jeweled pin flashed on his creamy white neck cloth. There were discreet shirt frills peeping from the flared cuff of his tight-fitting sage green coat, and his gloved fingers tapped upon the window ledge as he glanced out. Polly’s breath caught, for he was quite the most attractive man she had ever seen. Who was he?

  But then the effect was spoiled as she noticed the hauteur of his expression. For a long moment his eyes met hers, and as he looked coldly to the front again, her feelings were extinguished, as if doused with a bucket of cold water. She was piqued, and suddenly rather glad that the superior gentleman and his magnificently garbed coachman would very soon discover they’d been misled along this road, a storm-driven ship lured by Wrecker Johnson. With a little clever manipulation of the signpost on the Bath highway, the pig farmer was wont to divert travelers through Horditall. Once these unfortunates had passed the hamlet, they suddenly found themselves in the narrow lane that led only to his property, where they were permitted to turn around only if they paid for the privilege.

  Under any other circumstances she would have called out a timely warning to the coachman, for there was ample room to turn in the driveway to Horditall House, but since the gentleman clearly looked down upon her as
a lesser mortal, he did not deserve to be rescued. In a short while now Mr. High-and-Mighty’s elegant vehicle would find itself in the farm lane, which was positively awash after the recent rain, and there would be no turning until reaching Wrecker Johnson’s muddy, decidedly cramped yard. After the humiliating exercise of fending off some of the fattest pigs in Somerset, then paying the grasping farmer’s fine, the prideful gentleman and his now filthy carriage would suffer the further indignity of having to drive past Horditall House again. If she caught his eye then she would treat him to a patronizing smile. And serve him right.

  Chapter 2

  Putting the carriage from her thoughts, Polly resumed her gardening, but then paused again as through an open upstairs window she heard Bodkin humming as he dusted and polished her uncle’s bedroom. She smiled, thinking how very fortunate she was to be able to see the brownies. Most people did not have the gift; indeed, most people were actively avoided by brownies, but those few who were able to see, were almost always assured of friendship. It was an unfortunate fact that Uncle Hordwell also had some of the gift. He could hear brownies although not see them, and needless to say, his parsimony meant that he did not have brownie friends. The only reason Bodkin stayed on at the house was because of Polly.

  Only when things went very wrong would brownies cease to be angelic, and turn into a very different creature, a boggart. Polly sincerely hoped never to encounter Bodkin’s awful alter ego. Now his humming gladdened her heart, because for exactly a year now he had been sunk desperately low, ever since his sweetheart, Nutmeg, had left him. If he was humming again, maybe the whole sad episode was behind him at last. How appropriate that his recovery should happen on his birthday.

  Nutmeg had come to look after a cottage Hordwell owned just across the road from Horditall House, and had seemed quite perfect for Bodkin. He doted on her, giving her presents of honey and honey wine from the Horditall bees, and it had come as a terrible shock to him when, on the eve of his birthday last year, his beloved suddenly left without a word. The evening before Nutmeg’s disappearance, the brownie sweethearts had planned how they would celebrate his birthday—for which Nutmeg was going to make a special cake—then they said their usual fond goodnights at the stile at the bottom of her garden, and Bodkin watched as she hurried back to her house. That was the last he saw of her. Uncle Hordwell insisted that Nutmeg had simply decided to leave, and in the absence of any other evidence, that was what had to be believed.

  The cheerful humming was so uplifting that Polly joined in as she returned yet again to her gardening. She and Bodkin had the house to themselves, and tonight they would have a special birthday dinner of all the brownies’ favorite things, with the creamiest, sweetest dessert the cook could concoct. It wouldn’t be as joyous an occasion as if Nutmeg were there to present him with the promised birthday cake, but she, Polly, would do all she could to make it his best birthday yet.

  In the bedroom, Bodkin shuffled about his work, dusting here, polishing there. He’d always liked Horditall House, but now he only stayed because of Miss Polly. She was an angel, but her uncle was a tight-fisted, devious, untrustworthy old curmudgeon. As he thought this, Bodkin glanced at the portrait of Hordwell on the wall above the fireplace, and blew a rather disgusting raspberry before going on with his cleaning.

  Brownies do not resemble elves or pixies, but are covered with shaggy brown fur that is kept in condition by the regular application of clove balm. They are about two feet high, with wrinkled faces and bare arms and legs. They also have very long tails that lash and twirl when they’re angry. At the moment Bodkin’s tail swung contentedly to and fro behind him as he worked, and every now and then there was a tinkling sound from the house keys on his all-important belt. It was only when wearing their belts that brownies were able to appear to chosen humans; the moment they removed it, they became invisible. The importance of the belts was such that should they fall into unscrupulous hands, they rendered the unfortunate brownie a helpless slave. For this reason, a brownie’s belt was his or her most precious possession.

  Bodkin’s belt was safe and secure, however, and he had not a care in the world as he went about his housekeeping. He had always been a little plump because of his weakness for sugar and honey, but he had become even more so since Nutmeg’s departure because he comforted himself with sweet treats. He paused for a moment and sighed. How he’d loved her, and how foolish he’d been to think she loved him. She’d broken his poor heart, but today he’d awoken feeling better again.

  He finished Hordwell’s second-floor bedroom and began to busy himself along the lofty oak-paneled passage toward Polly’s room, but then his humming broke off in surprise, for a door was open that was usually kept firmly padlocked. It was the one to Hordwell’s study, a room the brownie had never even seen during the three years of the miser’s ownership of the house. Hordwell kept it secure at all times with a patent padlock in order to prevent servants, brownies, and even Polly from prying into his private papers. In Bodkin’s professional opinion the room was long overdue for cleaning, so he pushed the door open fully and went in with his duster at the ready.

  The room was indeed in need of attention. Dust was thick on every surface, there was a musty smell in the air, the fireplace had not seen a fire in three winters, and the curtains looked as if they’d never been washed. The carpet was littered with untidy piles of documents and books, and there was such a clutter on the desk that Bodkin marveled the old miser could ever find anything! Hordwell did not deserve any consideration at all, but a brownie had a reputation to consider, and if the state of this room were to become common knowledge among the community, he—Bodkin—would be the target of much criticism.

  Putting down his duster, he flung open the window, and then began tidying the desk. Within moments an entry in an open ledger caught his eye. It referred to an agreement between Hordwell and Lord Benjamin Beddem, and the item agreed upon was—Nutmeg! She hadn’t run away after all, but had been traded like a sack of flour to look after his lordship’s elegant new rented residence in Royal Crescent. Hordwell must have acquired her belt, to have such power over her!

  For a moment Bodkin was so thunderstruck that he could not move, but then his mind began to race. His shaggy fur stood on end as pieces of a terrible puzzle suddenly fell into place. Why hadn’t he realized before? It was so obvious. Oh, what a fool he’d been! He saw red, and the boggart hidden deep inside him came to sudden life. His tail started to lash, and he gave a howl of unutterable rage and dismay.

  Polly heard from the garden and came running anxiously into the house. “Bodkin? Bodkin, what’s wrong?” Another apoplectic howl issued from the next floor, so she gathered her blue muslin skirts to hurry up the dark oak staircase. “Bodkin?” she cried again, and then her steps faltered uneasily as she realized the brownie was in her uncle’s study, where not even she was allowed to go. Slowly she entered, and then halted in dismay as she saw the furious boggart-brownie, whose tail was now twirling so fast it was a blur.

  Bodkin was too beside himself to speak, and jabbed a quivering linger on the open ledger. She went around the desk to read the damning entry, and her lips immediately parted on a horrified gasp. “Oh, Bodkin, I’m so sorry! Lord Benjamin is capable of anything, but I wouldn’t have thought Uncle Hordwell would stoop so low.”

  “Well, he did, it’s there in black and white!” cried Bodkin.

  “I know. I’m astonished that Lord Benjamin even knows about brownies, let alone has an agreement with my uncle.”

  “He can hear us but not see us. Just like Hordwell.”

  “I see. Well, if they have control of Nutmeg, I suppose they must have stolen her belt, but how did they get it?”

  The brownie glowered at the ledger. “What does it matter? That fact that they have her.”

  “All right, but why? What possible reason could Lord Benjamin have for wanting to keep a brownie? They’re hardly a fashion accessory.”

  Bodkin’s face was ablaze with feel
ing, and his twirling tail threatened to lift his rear end from the floor. “He wants her because he will soon be able to make her visible to everyone, and make a great deal of money.” Overcome once more, he picked up a sword-shaped letter opener, and hurled it at Hordwell’s portrait. Brownies have amazingly accurate aim, some might even say magically accurate, and Polly’s miserly uncle was stabbed right between the eyes.

  She stared at the pierced canvas and then at the boggart-brownie. She had never seen Bodkin in such a state before. Indeed, he didn’t seem like her Bodkin at all! “Money? What do you mean, Bodkin?” she asked, stepping aside because his tail was causing such a draft that several papers on the desk fluttered to the floor.

  “People will pay a great deal to see a brownie.” Bodkin grabbed his tail to stop its wild activity.

  “Pay? Like a fairground attraction, you mean?” Polly was appalled.

  “Yes. Just think how much was made from displaying that fake unicorn in London.”

  Polly nodded, for the unicorn had indeed minted a vast fortune for its owner before it was discovered to be merely a white horse with a horn glued to its forehead. “Why do you think that is what Lord Benjamin intends?” she asked.

  “It must be what he intends. Just over a year ago, in spite of the war, an Englishman who fits his description down to the last ounce of blubber, slipped secretly into France to begin the purchase a page from a book by Nostradamus. Last month a French brownie risked coming to London to warn English brownies about it,”

  “Nostradamus? The Nostradamus? The sixteenth-century magician and prophet?”

  “Is there more than one?” Bodkin replied archly. “Anyway, the French brownie wanted us to be on guard because the page contains a spell for making English brownies visible. It’s apparently a very expensive sheet of paper, and the purchaser has only been able to pay in installments. When the French brownie left France, he said there was only one more payment to make.”